I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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