hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
