i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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