idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
