remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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