I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
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My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
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As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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