Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
