You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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