I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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