god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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