The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
