Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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