Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
