my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
