he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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