I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
