They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
