he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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