I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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