just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
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Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize