16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So many bounce houses so little time
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
