she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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