I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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