god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
