you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
