So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
this hospital has no fireball
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
