i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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