Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
