i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
All the doctor said was why
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
