Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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