I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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