my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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