me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
