I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Randomize
