i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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