She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
