Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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