just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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