You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
