omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
