remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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