I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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