you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
