my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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