A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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