Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
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Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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