Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
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I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
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The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo