"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.