dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in