jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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