I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't think brook has ever known best
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
