Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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