I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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