I should be sponsored by Trojan
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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