Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
