I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
