last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
